it's nandra. they also call her nashz, the history of such name is way too long to elaborate in this little space. she's seventeen. she's a she. she lives a typical metropolitan lifestyle in the capital of Indonesia. she's currently in her senior year of high school, enduring the second and last year of IB Diploma Programme that's totally ruining her life slowly.
but she thinks the whole suffering would give her some sort of advantage in the (scarily) near future. she's a CISVer and lovin' every bit of it. oh, she also very much enjoys mango juice, she'd even prefer it than OJ haha. and while we're at it, yes, she might be random from time to time. she wishes you'd be quite patient about it. :)
♥
reading
writing
ear-friendly songs
pop art
photography
adobe photoshop cs3
Grey's Anatomy McSteamy :)
John O'Callaghan :)
novels by J.K Rowling, Judy Blume, Melissa de la Cruz & Sitta Karina
so it's the 29th of may. the day this blog turns four years old. so to celebrate such day, i have a special quote:
"Eventually over time, we all become our own doppelgangers. Just completely different people who happens to look like us."
the above quote is from episode 24 of season five of how i met your mother. and i think that quote pretty much explains what change really is.
you see, changes are indicators to how far we have grown. and apparently, this blog, as i've mentioned numerous times before, is an archive of my changes. i started this when i was middle school. i had no clue what the international baccalaureate is, or how to spell baccalaureate for that matter. i would have never thought of creating a club at school which aims at preserving traditional cultures. years ago, i don't know the lyrics to saman chants. i didn't know i was going to enroll myself in a media school in the UK. i never knew i could write a 4000 word essay, or fussed about what truth really is.
years ago i couldn't care less about world peace, but now i'm in an organization, which believes that myself and other youths out there are the main vehicles to bring peace into this world. i didn't know i was going to be in cisv and accumulate friends from different corners of the world.
back when i was in the 8th grade, i imagined that i'll be going to prom with that one particular guy that makes my stomach all a-flutter. now, i couldn't care less about such guy, because i'm going with one of my best friends and i know we're going to have a good time.
you see, i have become a whole different person. my viewpoint about a lot of things changed. i took risks along the way, fell down, scraped my knee and managed to scruff off the dust. i gathered up courage and did things i have never thought i would have done four years ago.
aside from that, i graduated high school the day before yesterday. and i have never quite realised how much i've accomplished. i question a lot in this blog about what 'mark' am i gonna leave in this world. what significant thing i'm going to do for a change. i've always strived for that, and for it i call myself a perfectionist. but on may 27 2010, i achieved it.
i left a so-called 'mark' alright. i survived IB, albeit not knowing the results yet, but i got through it, along with 61 other people from my batch. i won four awards that night. each one for economics, theory of knowledge (i know, right, go freakin' figure haha), a 3rd honourable mention and for innovation & enterprise. and my year 11 culturific kids gave me a large bouquet of flowers, on behalf of the seniors.
i know i might sound rather bragging, but i'm proud of what i've achieved. i've reached one of my goals in life and it really felt very accomplishing. you see, i never thought i'd actually reached this point, make all these changes and learned all these fascinating new things.
the way i look at it, it's like i am a doppelganger of my past self. i can't exactly mention a certain post that proves it but i know i've changed. mostly for the better (i hope). but i've grown up now, to a certain point at least. i'm a high school graduate, who will be moving out of her home off to another country in september.
i still can't believe i've made it this far. i have never imagined what kind of person i'd be once i've graduated. but here i am. about to go on to another journey, as a young adult.
so, i think the moment is right.
today is the fourth anniversary of my blog.
and this will be my very last blog post.
i'll continue writing, of course. daily ramblings and all. but not here.
this blog has been a witness of my journey. of how i've grown from a middle school kid to a high school graduate.
so well then.
goodbye, dear blog :)
i'm glad i've continued to write here for it has become a record of, well me.
i know i rarely update this blog lately, but i've been opening it in the middle of working on my homeworks and just kinda read through previous posts. recently i've been overwhelmed at the fact of how i wound up right here right now. i remembered the time when i wasn't even sure what i want to major in and now i find myself freaking out over my IB scores that might not be sufficient enough for me to enter the top media school in the UK. heck i get overwhelmed at the fact that i'm graduating in a matter of just a couple of months.
so i take time to read this blog's previous posts, try to retrace the steps as i ask myself, what did i do this time last year? what was in my mind? what happened to me? and as i read those posts it's like watching myself grow. i know i'm not fully mature, but i know i've grown into well... something. the way i see it, when i started this blog i was like in a lifeboat, not knowing where to go and just rowing until i find something sufficient to set my foot on. now i think i've set foot on land, i'm no longer aimlessly wandering anymore.
well, okay not exactly, but some part of me have. i know i've set my foot down on a few principles i'm going to hold on to. such as about my faith and spirituality, although i still don't quite have my equilibrium right, but i find myself as an agnostic at the moment. i believe there's a stronger deity out there and i do believe in guardian angels, i just choose to show that in other ways that does not conform to certain religions. it's a complex matter to expose here, but it's an example of how i felt that i've grown.
and one of the most important thing i've learned in life is that there is so much more to someone than meets the eye. i use to be kind of judgemental about people, and i kind of shut them off whenever i find their flaws. i feel now that i've kind of been able to oversee those flaws, in fact it's what makes people interesting to get to know and befriend with. in my life there are some people i deeply adore because of what they have deep down inside them. they could be such douchebags sometimes, i mean it. sometimes i really just want to bang their head to the wall for their insults, in which they seem to have let slip from their mouth without trying to whizz up that brain of theirs. but, honestly, it's just one little part of them and that doesn't make them what they are. deep down inside i find them to be the most honest, sincere, thoughtful person i've ever met. and as i build the bridge between me and that other amazing person i slowly begin to trust them. for some of them i trust them with my secrets and breakdowns. some i merely entrust them with my happiness, i know that in one way or another those people will make me happy.
yes, so in that matter i've quite outgrown that middle school kid who got her heart broken for the very first time at the early days of writing this blog. in matters of heartbreak i'm not quite sure if i've quite understand how to get around it. but at least i'm starting to be able to cope with it. i think with the strings of experience being unrequited didn't make me weaker in anyway, but it somehow made me stronger. i may not have glued the pieces perfectly together again, but at least i manage to tape it up, though not strong enough at least its together. but of course i still wonder what it's like to not be unrequited, just like the me back in ummm 2006 wasn't it, when i started this blog??
hmmm i remember that time in english class, my teacher asked us to finish the sentence: "growing up is..." i think i've posted about this sometime a few months ago. i think this post best describe how to finish that sentence. i think one of the indicator of growing up is to have few streams of realisations, about a few aspects of life. yea, just a few will do just right, 'cause seriously, you can't grasp understanding on every single detailed aspect of life. because that way you'll keep growing up.
well this seems like a very... insightful post. haven't written anything like this in a while haha. but i feel like i have to channel these thoughts somewhere, and having this blog up for nearly four years i think it's the best place to expose it. besides, this virtual little universe has been a witness of some of my history and has kept record of it. and will continue to until God knows when.
well anyways, folks it's getting kinda late. got another school day tomorrow, which kinda sucks but i'll bear with it. besides, i only have, what, 25 days left until exams. so i'm gonna learn to cherish it.
good night everyone. take your smiles to your dreams tonight so you could wake up with one big smile in the morning. between the grunts and squinting eyes as you try to make out the numbers showing the time and hitting the snooze button repeatedly, of course :)
beijing was awesome i spose. despite the awful new year's eve and blistering cold weather. although i love the fresh white snow, but snide at the sight of dirty ones with people's shoeprint on them. went to historical places, and of course the great wall. yes, the ones with massive staircases leading up to serene, beautiful, natural scenery up top. contemplated on whether or not to go back there on september to study chinese. the language that is. 'cause, my dad is hell bent on sending me there. i'm still very much unsure whether i should go or not. but i think with the pressure he's putting on me regarding that, i have this huge gut feeling that i will go. and i still don't know whether i'm going to be okay with it or not.
well enough emotional ramblings. it's good to be home. as crappy as the traffic goes in this city, it's where i feel most comfortable being :)
once upon a time i had this friend(s). we were close, really. back then we'd spend lots of holidays together. it'd be me, my brother, them, and their parents. i don't know how it happened, but somewhere along the way our parents' friendship was severed. well, particularly our fathers, 'cause they were the college friends in the first place. i remembered my parents telling me in the wake of the severed friendship, that i could still contact my friends, through email or something, but there is very very slim possibility of getting together like we used to again.
so i accepted that fact just because they told me to. but i realised i didn't really do all that. i never kept contact. i never tried to. granted, i was still in grade school back then, so maybe i didn't know any better. though, now i repeatedly wish i did.
but lately, in the midst of this very much digitally interconnected life we live in right now (thanks to facebook and twitter) i somehow found them. and that pang of realisation hit me real hard. i didn't try to save our friendship. i mean we could've, despite the fact that our parents' severed friendship. i let that drag our friendship to severity too.
for weeks now i've been contemplating on trying to reconnect or just let it be. i mean, our status would most probably get stuck on being each other's virtual friends on facebook and each other's twitter followers. it wouldn't bring back what we've had ages ago.
i don't like the idea of severed friendships. especially if it's wasn't because of either of us. we had external forces pulling us apart. so i just sent one of them a message telling them of the circumstances, which i only have recently comprehended. i don't know how it'd turn out. if she happens to think i'm a creep for writing her such bizarre message, then i guess that isn't my luck.
but i think everything's worth a shot. so i took that shot.
whatever happens, i'll just let it happen.
it's better than sitting here leafing through the newfound, dusty images of past times and wondering what could have been.
that is so true. well although not all are annoying. but there's that one annoying song. like in summer camp my friend eetu kept on singing "two girls one cup" and doug sings out "the ultimate showdown of the ultimate destiny" from time to time. and then there's the kuburan band's song from proto. that song (lupa lupa ingat) is such, a goddamn annoying song. i mean, seriously. considering the lyrics practically only comprises of the band singing out the chords to the song.
it. is. very. very. stupid.
but it stuck. and i'd sing along with my campers whenever that song comes up. i would. it's an impulse.
i love that about camps. i think those songs, as insipid and ludicrous as they may be, are one of those time machines that brings you back to that one particular summer. i also find it as some sort of reminder that what i had that summer was real, and the evidence to that is the after effect those songs gives me whenever they play in the radio or something, which is the rush of memories flooding into your mind. you'd find yourself smiling, grinning or tearing up to those songs.
"You know all those books I had but I don't let you read? It's just all these love poems that are about you."
I think she was one of the bravest amongst these people. I could never own up to the fact that I really care about someone out there and I make poems about them. Amongst those people in the video, I found some of their secrets to be mine as well. I didn't quite realise that it was actually mine.
Ever since I found out about Frank Warren's Postsecret project, I have been continually inspired in one way or the other. But one of the greatest impact about his project is that I actually found a piece of myself amongst a total stranger's secret. It somehow makes me feel a little less alone. There's comfort in that.
I think it takes real courage to own up to your own secrets. I think this is a really great visualisation of Frank Warren's great work. And I really envy those people who are filmed in this video. I greatly envy their courage to accept their own limitations and actually tell it to millions of other people out there.
I don't think I have such courage yet. But I'm bound to find it sooner or later.
something is bothering me. i just read this article on jakarta post [link]. and i must say it got me thinking.
i suggest you read the article before moving on to read this post.
you see, the issue of stereotypes have been bothering me a lot. i kept a mindset that stereotyping is a form of prejudice. you frown upon people who you do not favour. whether it is the way they dress, the music they listen to or apparently, according to the jakarta post article, the way we type words to appear on the monitor.
i tried so hard to not be prejudiced towards people who i don't know. i mean, you really can't judge the true qualities of a person just by the way they dress. we might not like their style, but it doesn't mean they should be frowned at and be blatantly mocked at.
but here's where my hypocrisy lies.
i didn't do any of that. i didn't look at a person and not frown upon the way they dress if it's not my liking. even when i don't shout mocking commentaries about their style in front of them, in my head i put them into my 'SO NOT' box.
apparently, stereotyping is inescapable. we tend to categorize people and put them into separate boxes.
how can we stop that? beats me. i'm fighting that notion to not stereotype myself. i'm still in that process. but i try not to as hard as i can.
so through my realisation that escaping stereotypes are just impossible nowadays, i decided to make my next artwork on stereotypes, based on this experience of mine.
but i'm trying to make a unique one here teehee.
so the idea is, i'll have my model to dress up as two different, contrasting stereotypes, and put their portrait side by side. supposedly, the audience would have different judgement towards the same model dressed in different stereotype. well at least that's the effect i'm trying to get :P
anyways, i'm gonna curhat a bit here hehe.
i got this idea when i was in precamp 2 this year. i was with the village kids and we played this stereotype game. one of them was, we divided the room into to sides. we were given 2 choices and go to the side that represents our choice. e.g. kids who enjoys watching soccer goes to the left side of the room and the ones who doesn't goes to the other. then, we were supposed to argue about why our choice is right and their's aren't. then we were given another 2 choices, different ones this time. and we were suppose to argue again. so we did. it was messy. kids were shouting at each other. the room was noisy.
but something struck me.
i was defending something i favour, alongside someone who i argued against beforehand. a few minutes ago i shouted mean things at this person because we didn't like the same thing. but now we were on the same side, defending something we favour for. it just got me thinking, why did i shut this person off, just because he/she has a different opinion than i do. why do we focus on the differences not the similarities?
so that'll be the concept of my next artwork.
i wonder whether people would pass different judgment to the same person dressed in different clothing or not.
teehee.
this'll be fun.
but in the mean time i must go make the researches and experimentations first.
well this post has deviated into something thoughtful to something... less thoughtful haha.
I once read this blogger's [link] post. He mentioned that he had to be okay with the way things are, the way the puzzles fall into place. Although, it may not be the way we wanted it to be. But it is and we have to be okay with that.
I had to be okay with this.
But I suppose it is human to want more and not just settle in for it. However we get carried away and want too much and forget about the fact that to want more, maybe we should try to be okay with it and work around things.
It's hard to do, being okay. I'm still in the learning process myself.
I want to be okay, though. I just don't know how to. I just don't know if I ever will.
it is inspirational. i can't find words to describe my finding above. i found the blog months ago, but just felt like writing about it now. every word and picture strikes me. in a lot of different ways.
i'm lacking inspiration nowadays. it sounds rather bullshit really. i live in an overpopulated city of 8.5million people, i pass the same streets everyday in different situations. but the rush of inspiration never comes.
or maybe i haven't been looking hard enough. or i looked to hard for it. or i overthink because i get frustrated not finding inspiration.
maybe i should open my senses more. or start my occasional run of 'what ifs'.
i have a new addiction. it's the website stumble upon [link]. it works like this: you click on the'stumble!' button on the toolbar in that website, and it'll take you to websites that are either:
1. viewed a lot by people
2. favored a lot by people
if you don't get my explanation get onto that website and open the damn faq page, coz i can't understand the whole mechanism of it haha.
so anyways. from that website i, um, well stumbled upon the most random websites ever but found some cool stuffs as well. so far my most favorite finds is this:
that quote above is really striking. yes, there are a lot of drama in life and drama queens starring in it. you got caught up in those insipid dramas, and when you do, you constantly bitch about it. most probably you'd bitch to your mates about it. but here's the thing, why not just laugh our ass off with your mates instead of bitching about those dramas. 'cause when you wind up laughing with your crazy mates you would likely forget about it and for once you'll be happy.
so, here's a piece of mind.
let the bitch bitch around. let them create dramas and whine day and night.
but don't let them drag you into it.
instead, go find your mates. go out, have a few drinks, watch incredulously funny movies and let the world hear your clamorous, ubiquitous laugh.
because yeah, life's waaay to short to be spent bitching about other bitches. haha.
oh aside from that, here's another finding from stumbleupon:
I want you to know and I plan to tell you. I hope you will love me back someday, the way I love you now. I hope this doesn’t destroy the connection and friendship that we have. I hope this leads to more, it could be beautiful you know? If we just gave it a shot.
I never had the guts to ask you to give it a shot. Besides, what chance do I have? You were heels over head and you won't let go. I'd like to put the whole thing behind me now, if that's okay. I like what we have now. But it's human to want something more that what we have. You meant a lot to me. More than you've ever known. I'm just too much of a coward to say it out loud.
I don't know if this is regret. It sounds stupid now that I went through those words above again. I'll try to be content with what I have now. I know it's not as bad. I should really try to be content with myself, no? Life is not all rainbows and unicorns, but there's the equivalent somewhere.
If you think I'll move on and forget what I ever felt about you, well, you're wrong. I'll move on, one way or the other, but I'll never forget. It's too awesome to be forgotten.
You were one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Because without you I'll never found trust. I'd always think it's non-existent. But, now I don't, because you showed it to me.
Well, enough ramblings. It's not like you'll read it anyways.
So, I'll end it here.
See, you.
Oh, btw. I miss you so much.
Come back soon :)
PS: the above is basically free writing. but it's how i feel at times, i guess. i should make more original posts. whatever that is. oh well. back to reality. i have hundreds of words to cut out from my world lit essay. holidays are ending soon. shucks.
i stumbled upon a friend's tweet today when i was procrastinating from my extended essay. it was a link to youtube and i had no idea that i was about to be inspired:
for the past hour i've been pondering over my EE. i was desperately stuck. every thought that came up to my head was "oh god, this is hopeless" or "i'm so fuckin' screwed" or "how am i ever going to get through this?!!" and the likes. oh, as for the last one, i've been asking myself that question for the past year, amidst the craziness of IB.
so yeah. i was procrastinating. and hopeless, i thought that "A" i had projected to get on EE was nothing but a distant dream. i thought that i'm just gonna screw this and not even try to achive my target.
but then i saw that above video and it struck me. how on earth could i ever have that thought? to give up. it seriously made me feel so stupid to even think to give up.
Nick Vujicic said in that video, "If I fail, I try again, and again, and again..." then he asked, "If YOU fail, are YOU going to try again?"
as if he projected that question to me, i tried to find an answer. all this time, i think i've shook my head towards that question. but this time, i think i'm gonna nod. i'm gonna try again, as screwed up as it'll turn out to be. it's better than not trying, i suppose, because if i didn't, i wouldn't know how to not fail, wouldn't i?
so, really guys, what matters is how we're gonna finish all this. right now my top priority is to pass IB, with flying colours, God willing. everyday i grunt and curse about how things are just so overwhelming and i thought of just giving up. i think i should stop that. i should just do it, and if in the course i did fail, then i suppose i'll just have to try again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
i'm no motivational speaker, but i do get inspired from time to time. i'm writing this post just to pass that on. sooo, please do play the video and ponder upon it for a little while. meanwhile, i've got my EE to complete until at least 3000 words which will be checked in... oops, 1.5 hours. :p
just got back from my third farewell dinner in less than a month. tonight's was ariani's. one of my closest high school friend. she's leaving for seattle tomorrow.
i had fun. i mean, serious fun. i don't think i ever laughed so hard in the past few days. i mean it. all the stupidities and loudness was the best i've had in days. i assure you the waiters and waitresses are probably sick of hearing us laugh from the moment the restaurant was fully booked until it's very empty. they'd probably want to kick us out, deep down inside.
you see, i seldom cry during farewells. instead of having a gloomy moment, i usually make the best of my last night with my friends by having serious, crazy fun.
but then it'd hit me once i'm on my way home and on my own. i'd get this empty, sinking feeling inside of me and asphyxiation. i really can't think of having equally great fun without them around. i couldn't bear to think that i probably won't see ariani for another two years.
as much as i wanted to cry, i usually couldn't. it's like there's something stuck in me that i wanted to let out, but i can't. i'm not quite sure why, though.
but just now i did. it's not like i sobbed, but i cried coz as i wrote this various images of the times we've spent with each other since we first met, all the highs and lows played like a movie.
i feel really crappy now. i hate goodbyes and i'm so sick of it lately. i really don't want to have another one soon. :((
nevertheless, i'm really happy for them and wish them the best of luck out there. i know they'll rock it abroad and do great out there.
this is the part where i always dreaded to be at. it seems so unreal, because i never quite thought about it. days after days i went through, some with monotonous nothingness, some with little things i'd always remember.
but then again, time flies by in one freakishly swift motion. you really don't quite know how you'd get here but somehow you just did. as i've said before i hate saying goodbyes. tonight a good friend of mine is leaving for a brand new life in the states. never quite realised he'll be leaving soon. it's crazy 'cause i really dont know that this time will come. not this quick anyways.
so then i have this sinking feeling in my gut. i so hate how time flies so fast and i'm never up for it. who knows till it's another day i'd have to say g'bye to another dear friend?
this post seems random, i know. but i think it's because i still can't quite comprehend about this chapter in life. how time flies. why can't it crawl slowly like a snail? i know the slowness in time is relative. but why is it that when you're sitting an exam time is so slow you want to press fast forward, but when things like this happen it's so fast once you're in it you're struggling for your equilibrium. i'm writing in circles again, i know. blame my confusion.
hmm, don't think i'd continue anything from here. i'd just let life teach me more things and leave me wandering.
meanwhile, goodluck out there, choco! thnks fr evrything :)
one of the most-hated word in the english language for me is goodbye. and i hate it even more that i have to say it to so many people in such an early time. i really didn't think i'd come to the time were people would leave and i'd have to utter goodbye to them. so far i haven't quite say it yet but i don't want to even when the time comes...
sometimes i wish that button exist in life. okay, sometimes is an understatement, most of the time, i want to press that button so badly, and not in my ipod and/or itunes.
i just got back from bali yesterday afternoon. on the plane, with a huge hangover and amidst the clouds, i closed my eyes and all i could see was the great times i've spent with my CISV lovelies: daryl, rasti, icha, rena and stevi on that island. i could see vividly the day we went to bebek bengil and ate two plates of crispy duck (yuuumm!). as well as the day we spent the entire day at the beach, getting tattoos, snorkeling, canoeing and taking amazing pictures. and the night when we sat around and opened up to each other, stripping off the black cloth that we've been hiding behind. i recalled the day we went shopping and did some serious bargaining. also the time when we had dinner under the sunset at jimbaran. and i could never forget the day we partied it up real hard, then met other crazy whackjobs who's as messed up as we were, probably even worst, in laota, this awesome porridge place. oh, not to forget when we partied in our bedroom and it got seriously messy and chaotic.
not a day goes by without me laughing my ass off, until tears welled up in my eyes. not of sadness, but of sheer, pure happiness. every single day, down to the last second, was very precious and filled my memory box with even more sweet stuffs :)
on the plane, i wanted to cry. this time, it wasn't happiness, it was sadness. sadness because i couldn't repeat this again. sadness because i'm afraid there are things i regretted during the trip, thank god to this moment i haven't found any (except maybe, i DO wanted to shop a bit more hahaha, classic). sadness because i'm afraid that i couldn't have this again.
at that moment, until now, i so badly want to press that repeat-one button. i want to re-live the 5 days i had on the island, down to the very last second, and repeat it over and over and over again. i know i'd never get bored of it :)
but sadly, i can't. just like every other moments where i had the same feeling.
truly, i didn't know that the trip to bali would be one of those moments where i'd feel this way. but then again, i once watched grey's anatomy and meredith grey said that:
"you don't know the biggest day of your life... not until you're right in the middle of it..."
this may not be the biggest day of my life, but i think it's fragments of the best days i've had in my life. and i truly believe in that quote, because i didn't know bali was gonna be one of those times where i'd desperately want to repeat, until i was in the middle of the trip.
so here's a piece of mind. live your days with hope for the best. it won't always turn out to be the best, so still, expect the worst. but keep in mind to have hope with you at all times. the worst might happen, and with expectation of the worst, you might get at slightly less dissapointed, but with hoping for the best to come, you'd soon forget about the dissapointment and realise that you're in the middle of having one of the best days of your life.
well you see, i'm not at best when i get rather philosophical, i tend to go round and round and a bit cryptic. but i do know you all understand what i'm trying to say.
so philosophies aside, here's some pics from the trip:
i had this crazy thought... that love is an oxymoron. i mean it doesn't even need to have another pair of word to make it an oxymoron. the word itself reflects an oxymoron. i mean, think about it. love is the one thing you need in life, what the makes the world go round and what makes life worth living.
but at the same time, looking at it from a different angle... love seems to be the reason that things break up like they do. it has this great power to shatter you into pieces and bring you from the highest ground to the lowest in a milisecond.
I want to see the same things I did in the past when I looked ahead at the future.
i turned my head around and glanced a bit at the past. i realised there are some people which i am not so close to anymore. i don't know which one of us pushed each other aside, or maybe other circumstances pushed us aside. i really don't know. but what i really do know is that i regretted every part of it. to have such close friendship with someone, to have someone to come crying to and to bitch about other people with. to have someone that you know would stick by your side no matter what happens. i hated the fact that we are not those people anymore. i really wish i could turn back time and mend the cracking foundation beneath us.
i really don't want to be one of those people who regretted not keeping their closed ones intact by the time they're 50. i don't want to stare at a polaroid and regretted not living in that moment long enough. i don't want to mope around on my own because of regret.
i know one should not look back at the past. but i want to be able to see the same things i did in the past when i looked ahead at the future.
is that even possible? i'm clueless myself. maybe i should start mending things in the present so that i could paint back the past in the future?
yeah. so from now on i'm gonna appreciate movie editors more that i've ever been. so today after piano class i went to ps with sevira and adhyt, to work on our VNR for english oral presentation, due monday. so i've spent the entire afternoon and evening editing our video. i've had the laptop on my lap since 2pm. sat for like, 2 hours at starbucks then another 2 at haagen dasz (we needed a change of scenery, mind you haha).
so yeah, we spent four hours in PS doing just that. wow. i've never done that before. if ever i spent 4 hours in ps it's because we fooled around, watched movies or played pool or something. i usually only sat in starbucks to have a drink, while i waited to be picked up. hmm. but i'm so glad i was really productive. i thought it was rather impossible to do works in the mall haha.
oh a lot of things struck me today.
one of the things was how people who hung out in starbucks uses the to-go cups instead of the for-here glasses. i mean if you intend to sit around for quite a while, i think it's better for the environtment to use the for-here glass. i saw a lot of people, who i knew was going to stay long there, since they had their laptops on and seemed to be having a meeting, and they used the to-go cups. it kinda bothered sevira and i. i mean, it's really good that starbucks had actually put up a sign, reminding the caffeine addicts to go green and use the for-here glass instead. though not much seemed to have take note of it.
hmmm. so there's something to enlighten all yous about one of the measures you can take to save mother earth. and maybe a little advice for starbucks, maybe if the signs are not good enough, why not offer it to buyers when taking their orders? a little more reminders for them probly be a better way. at least they're reminded, as we're not quite used to have the for-here glasses. so anyways, think about it. i think it's better to have for-here glasses in any coffee shops or cafes or restaurants rather then the plastic to-go ones. so there you have it, another day, another way to save the planet :)
oh and another thing struck me today. sevira mentioned that this coming summer holidays would be the last one where we'd come back to high school. i never quite thought about that. i just couldn't wait for it to come, i didn't think about what'd happen when this summer comes to an end. then i feld the insides of my stomach stirred up and sunk a bit. i really hate having to think about the fact that high school's almost over. i really do.
i love high school to the core of the core. despite the fact that this whole IB shitz is slowly deteriorating every part of me. but fact is, we're all fighting together. again although i sometimes feel like giving up, the one thing that would always make me change my mind is the fact that i would miss a lot from high school.
i dont know how i'll get through IB, but i know i can somehow. i'd probably be catatonic inside by the time i finish the final exams. but i'd get through it because it's high school. because it's the best part of my youth life and i don't want to throw it away only because of IAs, TOK essays and EE.
well anyways, so much enlightenment for such a seemingly short day. yeah the whole in front of the laptop thing made the day seem shorter. hargh.
oh haven't wrote about my friday night. haha had awesome time eating sushi. yeah, sushi-eating day out after the end of an exhausting weekday is a very nice remedy indeed. after that we watched angels and demons. which was superbly awesome! everyone must watch it! or better yeat read it! but i'm soooooooooo amazed by the visual effect of when the antimatter blew up. it's soooooooo cool!! hahaha.
but aside from that the story was magnificent as well. hmm feel like reading it again haha. but anyways, i love the underlying message of the movie. and this movie's not as controversial as the davinci code, too. i mean what this movie is trying to project is that even religion are flawed. here's the syllogistic reasoning to that point:
people are flawed
religions are made by people
therefore, religions are flawed
i think that what the movie and book is trying to portray is that people sometimes don't realize that. the thought that religion surpasses everything then might lead to people being irrational and therefore expresses their flaws.
oh shit, why can't i go TOK when i was suppose to do the essay? haaargh. hmmm. but guess what, i may just have a topic for a TOK presentation. i'm claiming it mine hahahah. :D
anyways enough with the TOK bullshits. just go watch the movie. it's extremely marvelous! haha.
so after the movie most people left (ferina, agnes and ariani) soooo that leaves only me, cavin, gino and kaher. so we decided to go play pool. i was extremely lousy at pool. but it was fun, though :D chugged a corona and lime, while i'm at it hahaha.
hmmm. well, so sunday tomorrow. feel like having a lazy one, indeed.
is it possible to feel really lonely in a house filled with a lot of people? i feel crazy whenever i thought of it. it seems that mere physical presence can't really fill up all the empty spaces. somewhere deep inside you would still feel empty despite the fact that the physical space around you is jam-packed.
i guess it's all the same emptiness if you're with people you can't really pour you heart out to or laugh/cry yourself silly at. all those filled up spaces just can't make it up.
hmm. that was rather thoughtful and philosophical of me. but i guess it's this psychological thing, i've been spending my saturday nights with my friends and it just seems weird to spend it at home haha. but on the other hand i felt kinda bad at my mom, coz i already went out late on friday and the previous saturdays i always spend time with my friends. had a blast shopping with her, though :)
which reminds me, i watched a french movie with alvie, anya and cavin last night in fX. it's called Un baiser, si'l vous plait (Shall We Kiss?). it's a really nice romantic-comedy movie. it's basically about how a kiss without consequences is just imposibble. it's quite complicated to write about it here though ahaha. you should go watch it yourself. you'd laugh your guts out and go "aaawh" at the uber romantic and thoughtful lines :)
oh here's a funny thing that happened when we watched. i mean, we're so IB, we actually analysed it. i know right, really freaky. it started with cavin, actually, mentioning how the diction and the tone is exceptional. then i start commenting on how a hazard sign in the lab where the characters hooked up is actually a foreshadowing of how their clandestine relationship would end in a disaster. then anya started to mention how a scene in the pharmacy is actually a propaganda.
HOW FREAKIER COULD WE BE??!!
we're watching a romantic french movie and we acted as if it was an english paper 1 exam hahaha. we're so IB-fucked, as anya likes to put it :p
right after the movie we wanted to get cold stone, but unfortunately all their good flavours are finished (no cheesecake boo hoo). bummer. so we went to get cream and fudge instead. which i didn't really enjoy, because their cheesecake flavour is too sweet to my liking haha. but then we fooled around. took pictures and polaroids. then had a bit of a bitching sesh haha. well, what can i say, there comes a time where you just can't stand something and had to talk about it to someone else, right?
but i think we got a little carried away with our so-called session, coz by the time i got home it was almost midnight haha. oh, well.
well come to think of it, as i read on this post i just written, i feel so bad i moped about how lonely i felt tonight. i mean, i did have a blast yesterday night. i shouldn't really be splurging on anything else. hmm.
but the whole empty spaces thing still bothers me though. and got me thinking about a lot of different things.
hmmm...
but it's too late for that now, the time i mean. it'a already 11:20PM haha.
