Wednesday, April 07, 2010 // 11:32 PM
hey :)
i know i rarely update this blog lately, but i've been opening it in the middle of working on my homeworks and just kinda read through previous posts. recently i've been overwhelmed at the fact of how i wound up right here right now. i remembered the time when i wasn't even sure what i want to major in and now i find myself freaking out over my IB scores that might not be sufficient enough for me to enter the top media school in the UK. heck i get overwhelmed at the fact that i'm graduating in a matter of just a couple of months.
so i take time to read this blog's previous posts, try to retrace the steps as i ask myself, what did i do this time last year? what was in my mind? what happened to me? and as i read those posts it's like watching myself grow. i know i'm not fully mature, but i know i've grown into well... something. the way i see it, when i started this blog i was like in a lifeboat, not knowing where to go and just rowing until i find something sufficient to set my foot on. now i think i've set foot on land, i'm no longer aimlessly wandering anymore.
well, okay not exactly, but some part of me have. i know i've set my foot down on a few principles i'm going to hold on to. such as about my faith and spirituality, although i still don't quite have my equilibrium right, but i find myself as an agnostic at the moment. i believe there's a stronger deity out there and i do believe in guardian angels, i just choose to show that in other ways that does not conform to certain religions. it's a complex matter to expose here, but it's an example of how i felt that i've grown.
and one of the most important thing i've learned in life is that there is so much more to someone than meets the eye. i use to be kind of judgemental about people, and i kind of shut them off whenever i find their flaws. i feel now that i've kind of been able to oversee those flaws, in fact it's what makes people interesting to get to know and befriend with. in my life there are some people i deeply adore because of what they have deep down inside them. they could be such douchebags sometimes, i mean it. sometimes i really just want to bang their head to the wall for their insults, in which they seem to have let slip from their mouth without trying to whizz up that brain of theirs. but, honestly, it's just one little part of them and that doesn't make them what they are. deep down inside i find them to be the most honest, sincere, thoughtful person i've ever met. and as i build the bridge between me and that other amazing person i slowly begin to trust them. for some of them i trust them with my secrets and breakdowns. some i merely entrust them with my happiness, i know that in one way or another those people will make me happy.
yes, so in that matter i've quite outgrown that middle school kid who got her heart broken for the very first time at the early days of writing this blog. in matters of heartbreak i'm not quite sure if i've quite understand how to get around it. but at least i'm starting to be able to cope with it. i think with the strings of experience being unrequited didn't make me weaker in anyway, but it somehow made me stronger. i may not have glued the pieces perfectly together again, but at least i manage to tape it up, though not strong enough at least its together. but of course i still wonder what it's like to not be unrequited, just like the me back in ummm 2006 wasn't it, when i started this blog??
hmmm i remember that time in english class, my teacher asked us to finish the sentence: "growing up is..." i think i've posted about this sometime a few months ago. i think this post best describe how to finish that sentence. i think one of the indicator of growing up is to have few streams of realisations, about a few aspects of life. yea, just a few will do just right, 'cause seriously, you can't grasp understanding on every single detailed aspect of life. because that way you'll keep growing up.
well this seems like a very... insightful post. haven't written anything like this in a while haha. but i feel like i have to channel these thoughts somewhere, and having this blog up for nearly four years i think it's the best place to expose it. besides, this virtual little universe has been a witness of some of my history and has kept record of it. and will continue to until God knows when.
well anyways, folks it's getting kinda late. got another school day tomorrow, which kinda sucks but i'll bear with it. besides, i only have, what, 25 days left until exams. so i'm gonna learn to cherish it.
good night everyone. take your smiles to your dreams tonight so you could wake up with one big smile in the morning. between the grunts and squinting eyes as you try to make out the numbers showing the time and hitting the snooze button repeatedly, of course :)
x
Labels: Thoughtful Thoughts, When Nandra Gets Philosophical
Wednesday, July 08, 2009 // 6:01 PM
sometimes i wish that button exist in life. okay, sometimes is an understatement, most of the time, i want to press that button so badly, and not in my ipod and/or itunes.
i just got back from bali yesterday afternoon. on the plane, with a huge hangover and amidst the clouds, i closed my eyes and all i could see was the great times i've spent with my CISV lovelies: daryl, rasti, icha, rena and stevi on that island. i could see vividly the day we went to bebek bengil and ate two plates of crispy duck (yuuumm!). as well as the day we spent the entire day at the beach, getting tattoos, snorkeling, canoeing and taking amazing pictures. and the night when we sat around and opened up to each other, stripping off the black cloth that we've been hiding behind. i recalled the day we went shopping and did some serious bargaining. also the time when we had dinner under the sunset at jimbaran. and i could never forget the day we partied it up real hard, then met other crazy whackjobs who's as messed up as we were, probably even worst, in laota, this awesome porridge place. oh, not to forget when we partied in our bedroom and it got seriously messy and chaotic.
not a day goes by without me laughing my ass off, until tears welled up in my eyes. not of sadness, but of sheer, pure happiness. every single day, down to the last second, was very precious and filled my memory box with even more sweet stuffs :)
on the plane, i wanted to cry. this time, it wasn't happiness, it was sadness. sadness because i couldn't repeat this again. sadness because i'm afraid there are things i regretted during the trip, thank god to this moment i haven't found any (except maybe, i DO wanted to shop a bit more hahaha, classic). sadness because i'm afraid that i couldn't have this again.
at that moment, until now, i so badly want to press that repeat-one button. i want to re-live the 5 days i had on the island, down to the very last second, and repeat it over and over and over again. i know i'd never get bored of it :)
but sadly, i can't. just like every other moments where i had the same feeling.
truly, i didn't know that the trip to bali would be one of those moments where i'd feel this way. but then again, i once watched grey's anatomy and meredith grey said that:
"you don't know the biggest day of your life... not until you're right in the middle of it..."
this may not be the biggest day of my life, but i think it's fragments of the best days i've had in my life. and i truly believe in that quote, because i didn't know bali was gonna be one of those times where i'd desperately want to repeat, until i was in the middle of the trip.
so here's a piece of mind. live your days with hope for the best. it won't always turn out to be the best, so still, expect the worst. but keep in mind to have hope with you at all times. the worst might happen, and with expectation of the worst, you might get at slightly less dissapointed, but with hoping for the best to come, you'd soon forget about the dissapointment and realise that you're in the middle of having one of the best days of your life.
well you see, i'm not at best when i get rather philosophical, i tend to go round and round and a bit cryptic. but i do know you all understand what i'm trying to say.
so philosophies aside, here's some pics from the trip:
hope you've found your best(s)!
<3
Labels: CISV, Thoughtful Thoughts, When Nandra Gets Philosophical
Saturday, April 25, 2009 // 11:01 PM
is it possible to feel really lonely in a house filled with a lot of people? i feel crazy whenever i thought of it. it seems that mere physical presence can't really fill up all the empty spaces. somewhere deep inside you would still feel empty despite the fact that the physical space around you is jam-packed.
i guess it's all the same emptiness if you're with people you can't really pour you heart out to or laugh/cry yourself silly at. all those filled up spaces just can't make it up.
hmm. that was rather thoughtful and philosophical of me. but i guess it's this psychological thing, i've been spending my saturday nights with my friends and it just seems weird to spend it at home haha. but on the other hand i felt kinda bad at my mom, coz i already went out late on friday and the previous saturdays i always spend time with my friends. had a blast shopping with her, though :)
which reminds me, i watched a french movie with alvie, anya and cavin last night in fX. it's called Un baiser, si'l vous plait (Shall We Kiss?). it's a really nice romantic-comedy movie. it's basically about how a kiss without consequences is just imposibble. it's quite complicated to write about it here though ahaha. you should go watch it yourself. you'd laugh your guts out and go "aaawh" at the uber romantic and thoughtful lines :)
oh here's a funny thing that happened when we watched. i mean, we're so IB, we actually analysed it. i know right, really freaky. it started with cavin, actually, mentioning how the diction and the tone is exceptional. then i start commenting on how a hazard sign in the lab where the characters hooked up is actually a foreshadowing of how their clandestine relationship would end in a disaster. then anya started to mention how a scene in the pharmacy is actually a propaganda.
HOW FREAKIER COULD WE BE??!!
we're watching a romantic french movie and we acted as if it was an english paper 1 exam hahaha. we're so IB-fucked, as anya likes to put it :p
right after the movie we wanted to get cold stone, but unfortunately all their good flavours are finished (no cheesecake boo hoo). bummer. so we went to get cream and fudge instead. which i didn't really enjoy, because their cheesecake flavour is too sweet to my liking haha. but then we fooled around. took pictures and polaroids. then had a bit of a bitching sesh haha. well, what can i say, there comes a time where you just can't stand something and had to talk about it to someone else, right?
but i think we got a little carried away with our so-called session, coz by the time i got home it was almost midnight haha. oh, well.
well come to think of it, as i read on this post i just written, i feel so bad i moped about how lonely i felt tonight. i mean, i did have a blast yesterday night. i shouldn't really be splurging on anything else. hmm.
but the whole empty spaces thing still bothers me though. and got me thinking about a lot of different things.
hmmm...
but it's too late for that now, the time i mean. it'a already 11:20PM haha.
bon soir, folks! hope you had a nice weekend =D
Labels: Thoughtful Thoughts, When Nandra Gets Philosophical
Wednesday, January 28, 2009 // 2:26 AM
yes i'm still up. and yes, i got school in approximately 4.5 hours.
and while you're at it, i'm developing carpal tunnel syndrome from doing the lord of the flies booklet since 10pm. oh wow. dilligent, nandra.
if you're trying to work out a reason to why i'm still up at 2:30 in the morning (which i know you dont. duh, why would you bother?), well it's probly the red bulls (still) on action. ha ha. laugh people, laugh.
so anyways guys, being the dilligent student that i am, the above title is actually a quote from lotf (in which i have highlighted in blue, again, not that it's important.) but i found eternal relevance (please do laugh, my fellow english a2 friends, it's sort of an inside joke, no? haha), in that quotation.
i mean, all things break. arms, legs, glass, everything. but that we know what make it break. but what about like, hearts? and just certain situations breaking into turmoil? what made it break? in lotf case, it's because of that asshole jack. but in the real world? and no, don't give me humankind's essential illnes for an answer.
hmmm. maybe it's just us?
oh fuck, i'm using a lotf quotation.
GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.
but otherwise, maybe it's true.
ugh, i'm all fucked up in my head. it's probly sleep calling my name (wth?).
cya tmrw peepz.
Labels: Thoughtful Thoughts, When Nandra Gets Philosophical
Thursday, January 01, 2009 // 1:17 PM
today is the first day in the first month of 2009. hmm, so many firsts experienced today.
i watched the first sunrise of 2009 in my first car ride home of 09. haha. it's funny when i witnessed the sun rising, it was not just a begining of a new day, but a whole new year.
so when i get home, i took my first shower of 09 at 6am. as i washed my hair, i thought about the things i would like to wash away from the past year. the pain and the mistakes i made, especially. but i also thought how i wanted to hold on to some things. although i know it would or at least might bring me a series of disappointment. but then i thought, everything -- every decision i'd make, big or small -- would have some kind of consequences, it's inevitable not to. and i'd just have to endure it. there a whole new year ahead, and i'm bracing for not just satisfaction, but also bitter things. afterall, life is bittersweet. like dark chocolate, it's bitter yet we savour every bite of it :)
there are some things i learned the past 2008, and i'd like to think of what i've been through and felt and cried and laughed for as a guide for this new year. a guide to understand and expect consequences.
of course i'm not only hoping for all those. i'm hoping for a lot of things. i want to spend every single minute surrounded by my loving friends and family. there'll be jagged roads, but i know it'll be worth it. :)
oh, my new year's eve?
i went to tante tetet's new years eve party at her place. met up with my CISV friends. it was fun! we sang and dance and eat eat eat. haha. her dining table(s) was overflowing with food. ;p
i ended up staying at tante tetet's until 5am. well it was more like "numpang tidur bentar" hehe. then eko took us home and that's how i watch the first sunrise of 09 haha.
i got home at around 5:45am (the road was ridiculously empty haha). then i took a quick shower then sleep again (emang dasar kebo lu, nan!) at 6:30-ish until 12:30pm. HAHA. it's effing weird, really, having a morning nap HAHA. well i didn't really get a decent sleep at tante tetet's :p only managed to sleep for two hours. =D
well anyways. here's my resolutions (in no particular order):
1. hold on and let go :)
2. all grades above 7/10 !!
3. excellent extended essay first draft (HAHAHA)
4. be less bitchy and temperamental :p
5. write moooore !!
6. decide on universities and major(s).
7. more faithful (?) or at least find it (?)
8. GET TO SCHOOL BEFORE 7:15am AND THEREFORE NOT EVER TAKING THE STUPID STAIRS!!!
9. be more mature :)
10. REFRAIN FROM PROCRASTINATING!!!!
haha.
that's a lot. but hey, i got a whole year ahead of me. wish me luck, guys! :)
Labels: Thoughtful Thoughts, When Nandra Gets Philosophical
Monday, October 20, 2008 // 10:10 PM
ok so this post is gonna be kinda philosophical in a way. haha. yeah i know and i don't even like tok wth.
so anyways, i've read just listen by sarah dessen for like a hundred times. it's one of my favorite books from her. so i'm pretty amazed by the character owen armstrong. outside he's like stocky and big and wears gigantic boots. but inside, he's an optimistic, rather idealist, avid music listener (though he listens to techno, which, much like anabel, i hate). but he once mentioned this sort of... way of thinking. he called it "thinking towards the middle". in which, i've taken into consideration lately.
and i think kelly bowden, cisv's ijr sorta mentioned this once during a session in jasparc. i think it was when we talked about organising a mini camp. she told us that we shouldn't always expect the extremes; it's not always really good or really bad. but you should find a middle ground between really good and really bad. coz face it, things rarely fall into the extreme. things don't always be exceptionally good or fuck-tardedly bad. most of the time, it falls right in the middle.
and lately, that's how i've been thinking about things. when i face a puzzling, rather contradictary question, i'd try to find the middle ground for the answer.
for example, the question: is it destiny or choice that determines your fate?
tough question, i know. and an extreme statement refering to that question that i once saw was: destiny are for losers, we shouldn't wait for something to happen rather we should make things happen.
now, i don't think that statement is wrong or right. now i personally think that both destiny and choice determines our fate. i believe that God up there already sets out several destinies for us, and now it's only a matter of making the right choices in order to determine that fate. so at the end of the road, there lies of fate as well as destiny.
so i do agree that we shouldn't just wait around for something to be destined to us, life's way to valuable for that. but it doesn't necessarily mean that destiny is nonexistent.
now that's what i mean by thinking towards the middle, finding a firm ground between the sky above and the earth below.
another example of me thinking towards the middle is when refering to the case of evolution and where humans came from. the debate that's been going on and on for years is that God created Adam and Eve or Darwin's theory of evolution -- neanderthals and all. but i personally have this (problly rather bizzare) thought that what if both theories are right?
what if Adam and Eve is the first humans on Earth but they were a prehistoric ape-like human at the same time? i mean, no one knows, right? we can't go back in time to prove that! meanwhile we've got fossils to prove that some kind of prehistoric humankind was alive thousands of years ago. could they be Adam and Eve?
ok this is getting WAY to heavy. lets not debate these things. it might defunctionalise (is this even a word? ;p ) my brain. ouch.
so anyways. i find that thinking towards the middle is a peaceful way of thinking. not taking sides of the extremes. and it's optimistic too. not too optimistic that when you don't get the result you optimistically expected, you'd get all down and suicidal (hyperbolic i know, pardon me). on the other hand not too pessimistic that you become such a hopeless zombie and near-suicidal. it's just... the right proportion. haha.
so when i think about my math test or something. i expect to do good, but not perfect. i also expect that i could do it, and that i will not be unable to do it.
sooo yeah, that's a piece of my mind today. i know. i could get philosophical sometimes. it just seems kind of interesting to share between my bahasa essay that just bores me. i spose i'll bring my laptop tmrw and make it at school during lunch or something haha.
oright people. it's late.
tmrw's tuesday. i hav the worst subjects yet.
crap.
ciao!
Labels: Thoughtful Thoughts, When Nandra Gets Philosophical
