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his girl friday.

polaroid,poladroid,beach

it's nandra. they also call her nashz, the history of such name is way too long to elaborate in this little space. she's seventeen. she's a she. she lives a typical metropolitan lifestyle in the capital of Indonesia. she's currently in her senior year of high school, enduring the second and last year of IB Diploma Programme that's totally ruining her life slowly. but she thinks the whole suffering would give her some sort of advantage in the (scarily) near future. she's a CISVer and lovin' every bit of it. oh, she also very much enjoys mango juice, she'd even prefer it than OJ haha. and while we're at it, yes, she might be random from time to time. she wishes you'd be quite patient about it. :)

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© nandra 2009
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Friday, May 29, 2009 // 8:04 AM
they say you don't know what you got till it's gone.

sometimes i pity myself that i can't talk to someone about my emotions. at times where i need to burst i dunno where to do that. even if there is someone who i trust enough to confide everything to i don't have the guts to tell them that i need him/her right now and that they're the only one i could trust wholly. i don't have the guts to tell him/her that they're the one i'll come crying to. i don't have to guts to tell him/her that he/she's everything i need coz they'd listen and not judge. i could just bitch and cry and they'd listen. i sound selfish. i mostly am. but i try my best to do the same to him/her.

i hope i did listen to you. i hope i've been good enough a friend for you. i hate to say that you make stupid decisions most of the time, but i won't interfere with that. i'd be content with whatever you chose to do. and if it did turn out to be stupid, i'd be here for you to listen to you talk about how stupid it is. i would, i truly would.

they say you don't know what you got till it's gone. it never felt so true until this time. this time when i realised that you're miles away and i can't reach you easily. this time when i realised that i missed you but i can't say it because of complicated reasons. (i'm a complicated person, i know you know that) i can't just pick up the phone and blurt it all out and wait for you to say those words that, in truth, are the most comforting words ever. you'd pick me back up again, you always do.

i can't bear to think that this time next year you'd be miles away for good. i don't know whether or not i could still reach you. i don't know how. i don't know if i can cope with it.

there's so many "i don't know"s it's driving me crazy.
here's another "i don't know":
i don't know if i'll ever going to tell you all this.

but i think i somehow made a promise to myself that i would, when the right time comes. i don't know how you'll react to it and i don't know if i have enough courage to say it. what i do know is i have to.


or else i'd stay in this horrible misery.

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